On being ‘aloof’

A Brief and Personal Summary

Aloof is a word I never quite understood. I’ve been called it plenty since I was small… okay, since I was a child. I’m still small. I’d be called it by my friends, family, teachers, strangers, and it would always come across not quite as an insult, but definetly not a compliment either. It felt to lean more as an insult than anything. I’d hear, “Oh Poppy, you’re so aloof!” in response to some sort of awkward social response I’d provided out of sheer fear and seperation from my surroundings.

But what does being aloof actually mean? And where did it come from?

Oxford Reference states that,

‘Initially, "aloof" was a command to keep a ship's head to the wind, avoiding hazards on the leeward side, and evolved to describe a physical distance or separation. Over time, its meaning shifted to encompass emotional or social distance, reflecting a sense of detachment or withdrawal’.

The meaning encompasses distance whether within people or otherwise. And overtime has come to refer to someone who is emotionally or physically distant from others in a social setting. Think at lunchtime in an office whilst the team might sit together and chat about what they did at the weekend, the aloof person will be sat by themselves with headphones in.

Shikha Saxena wrote on Medium that,

‘An aloof person may appear indifferent, reserved, or unconcerned about the people or events around them. They often keep a certain emotional and physical distance, maintaining a sense of detachment or isolation’.

There’s an unwritten rule about being the quiet type, it’s uncouth and unwanted. Socially, that is. The majority of people don’t seem to understand the behaviour as normal. You see, the average Joe is relatively outgoing, confident and slightly proud to talk about themselves. Proud to talk about anything really. Unlike the everyday aloof person. Exceptions being when under the company of people they trust within a comfortable situation. In that case, the flood gates are wide open and then there’s definitely no shutting me up.

I wouldn’t say being described as aloof/awkward/shy has ever really held me back. Some could say that being like that in the first place is what has held me back. But, I enjoy my own company more than being around others. In a work environment I take my breaks as a time to recharge, typically anyway. I have found like-minded people who I’m happy to spend time with outside of work presently. Though, I will have days where I need to be alone.

Being creative and enthralled in varieties of hobbies and passions could be argued as a trope for the term. The stereotypical solitary artist, he who doesn’t connect with the world, but only with his typewriter or paintbrushes. Think Jack Nicholson in As Good As it Gets. Nowadays, that wouldn’t quite work, you have to market yourself loudly to be noticed as an artist today, I’m not sure some of the classic literature writers would have survived in this cut throat time of social media self-marketing. Would Kafka have any followers?

These projects keep people like myself happy to stay reserved and hidden away in my own space. If i’m in my own space I know I’m less likely to feel how it can feel to be trapped in a social situation that I’m not seeming to fit into. Sometimes conversations flow and I can tell I can’t join in for whatever reason. Whether because of the people, because of the topic, or simply just my mood. This is why being alone and disconnected means safety without fail. I understand it’s not the healthiest of ideals, but it’s not entirely unhealthy. There’s an amount of socialising one does in their working week, sometimes when outside of those hours, it can be healthy to balance the commotion of opinions, tones and language from others with your own inner voice. To heal yourself if you need healing, reward yourself if you need rewarding etc.

Coming from the girl, who would either be pitied or bullied for being the outcast/shy/aloof kid all the way through to university. It doesn’t really matter, and the people that will label words like this tend not to understand it and not to understand the person they’re labelling. The people I’m closest with wouldn’t even think of me as that anymore. And I know there’s power in being comfortable in being alone with yourself, if someone can’t spend time alone without jittering out of their skin. They have a lot of learning to do before they can become whole. You can’t survive happily by always leaning on those around you, I know we’re social animals, but sometimes the other animals simply aren’t there.

What do you think? do you relate? or do you think everyone should push to be more socially outgoing, whether if simply by trying?